Yep, this weekend I turn the big 40. At this point, it isn’t much more than an excuse to get embarrassingly drunk and your family is required to let you sleep off the hangover. If I were to kick the bucket today, I would want my daughters to know the things I have learned in the past four decades.  So, this, my sweet angels, is for you.

  1. Forty is not spelled “fourty”. Spelling is important. You look dumb if you misspell things too often. You can only blame auto-correct so many times.
  2. A sense of humor is far more attractive than abs. While Bratt Pitt is easy on the eyes, I much prefer the likes of Jason Bateman, Robert Downey Jr and Willie Geist.
  3. You will age. Period. It doesn’t mean I don’t buy every cream I can afford promising to make my neck look less like a chicken. But, at the end of the day, it’s just a neck. The only one who really notices is you.
  4. I’m not 20. Let’s toast to that, because at 20, I didn’t have the chicken neck, but I did have a chicken brain. They say you learn from your mistakes. This is true, but some of those mistakes you just should have known better to begin with.
  5. Don’t judge people. We are all human. We all make mistakes. But, if someone makes the same mistake more than twice, you can judge. They deserve it. You can fix ignorance, but stupid is forever.
  6. Be kind to people. Not everyone deserves it and not everyone will be kind back. You can’t change assholes, but don’t let them change you either.
  7. Trying to blend it makes you completely invisible. Does it really matter what everyone else wears, drives, eats and does on the weekend? Nope. If you enjoy it, do it (if it is legal) and if you don’t enjoy it, don’t do it.
  8. Your real friends will love you at your best and love you more at your worst. And, the really good friends will point out that you are at your worst. Then, they will hug you. But, they will NEVER talk about you behind your back.
  9. Don’t fight your own personality. For the first half of my life I thought I was an extrovert, life of the party, fun girl. But, I was just begging for some attention. Truthfully, I’m an introvert and now I totally hate it when other people beg for attention.
  10. Worrying is a big fat waste of time. It fixes nothing. It solves nothing. The alternatives are to fix the problem or learn to live with it. You always have the choice.
  11. It is better to have a handful of really close friends than dozens of people you “sort of know”. Who wants to remember all of those birthdays anyway? And, for the record, Facebook friends don’t count as “really close friends”.
  12. If you put it on the internet, it is there forever. Like, forever. Seriously, no one wants to see your ass (or your dinner for that matter). Unless it is one of those massive chocolate cakes or a cocktail – those are ok. I’d brag about that shit too.
  13. I can spot a fake a mile away. You are allowed to have a fake designer bag, fake nails, fake hair, fake tans, fake eyelashes, fake personalities and a fake fabulous life. But, if you combine one or more of these, I can’t hang with you. Real is so much better.
  14. Imperfections are beautiful. Whether it is a crooked nose, a crooked smile or a crooked family, your imperfections are what make you unique. If you snort when you laugh, you might even be my soul mate.